The “A” Word

Long ago, I wrote a post called the “V” Word. It explored Brené Brown’s talk on vulnerability and its integral part in leading a whole-hearted life. Today I’m dropping the “A” bomb, a word and emotion that for many of us, especially women, is a “dirty” word.

I’m Angry!

Why Am I Angry?

This anger has been building up inside me for over a year–a mezcla of all of the minor and major injustices both personally and publicly that culminated in a mass shooting of 8 innocent, mostly Asian-American women in Atlanta.

I feel incredibly angry about this, about George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arberyabout, about 500,000+ dead from Covid, about the healthcare system, about Senior Care, about how long it’s been since we were able to do normal things like go for coffee without thinking of a million contingency plans, that I still (after over a year after breaking my foot) can’t walk without pain or run…

All these things make me angry. The little kid inside me is screaming, “This is not right! This is not okay!”

Something has got to Change

I’ve learned how to keep a tight leash on anger–in part because ladies aren’t supposed to lose it and in part because I’ve seen first-hand how dangerous and damaging anger can be. Every time I feel it rear its ugly head, I put it back in its container. I remind myself to focus on the positive, to breathe, to just let it go. To take the high road, like my Mom taught me.

I realized though that there is a difference between taking the high road and people pleasing. There are some things that are worth fighting for and even more worth speaking up for.

Photo by Mehrnegar Dolatmand

Why is angry a “dirty” word for many women?

Men get angry and women cry. These outmoded models constrain us. I’m reading Brené Brown’s newest book, Dare to Lead, and one of the things she mentioned was the idea that resentments are actually a lack of appropriate boundary setting. I looked at my “anger” list that I created the other day and 9/10 people I’m angry with or have resentments towards come from not speaking up, not voicing my expectations, or not setting clear boundaries.

Anger in some ways is the most vulnerable emotion (although Brené said its joy) because it usually stems from the deepest hurt.

What is anger telling you?

I’m exploring the idea of Anger as an ally. Instead of stifling, fighting, ignoring my anger maybe I can let it take a healthy walk, and maybe you can too.

• What is your anger telling you?
• Where are you pretending you’re not angry?
• Where are you playing nice instead of speaking up?
• What are some healthy ways to express your anger?
• How can you create space in your life and in those close to you to have a safe place for anger?

What is positive about anger?

When expressed in a healthy way, anger lets us know when lines have been crossed. It can embolden us to create change. Anger shows us areas that need to be addressed.

It is okay to be angry.

It is not okay to take your anger out on others, to explode on your loved ones or to use violence, but you already know that.

Moving Forward

I guarantee that everyone reading this has at least one thing you’re angry or resentful about right now. Instead of ignoring it, invite it to a cup of coffee. What is it telling you? Does something need to be addressed? Is it time for a change?

To lead a whole-hearted life requires courage, and courage requires heart. You are not alone. And if we choose to see the good together and to acknowledge what’s not working, then change can actually happen and our collective anger will subside.